Top 5 Thursdays

22 Apr

Every now and again you’ll see something so disturbing/horrifying/bearing far too much of a resemblance to Heidi Montags face/etc; that your soul will actually throw up. Although being that I am left handed some of you may debate that I in fact have no soul. Touché. So without further adieu here is my Top 5 list of things to make my soul throw up…

#5 LOL

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. LOL is no laughing matter. Sure it’s not as bad as ROFL but it still never ceases to make my skin CRAWL.

#4 Anything Ed Hardy

Nothing makes my soul simultaneously weep and vomit like Ed Hardy gear. Yes, we get it, you’re a douche. We’re glad that you’re okay with your doucheness but enough is enough. It’s amazing how looking so cheap can be so damned expensive.

#3
Heidi Montag aka Mrs Potato Head

Heidi Montag aka Mrs Potato Head now comes with completely interchangeable features! Feeling festive? Why not swap her nose for a dradle? And ladies, we all know how during the holidays we get our eat on, but for Mrs. Heidi Montag Potato Head she no longer has to feel guilty about engorging herself with all of those no-no foods! Just simply remove the cheek bones, grate against a rough surface and reattach. Voila. Guilt free and fast! Call now to order yours! Don’t miss out. Perfect for birthdays, christmas and graduation presents. Oh Heidi, the Shamwow’s got nothing on you.

#2 and #1,
Toddlers and Tiaras

There is nothing more horrifying than this. Hence why it’s both first and second on this list. I am not kidding. It is THAT bad.

It’s literally like the devil’s play pen – but with hair spray and a road to self-esteem/eating disorders/becoming Heidi Montag. So why would anyone do this to THEIR KIDS? From getting a spray on tan to fake eye lashes these kids get the full Jersey Shore treatment. But hey, at least they listen to the kids when they say enough is enough…oh wait a second, I forgot in Pageant Mum language tears means “I love this! Quick, get the mystic tan and the bedazzler!”. And you know what Pageant Mum? If your daughter really has no business being up there you can just categorically say that she isn’t yours, you have no idea who she is and then proceed to disown her. That actually happened. I’m not kidding. Next time kid, maybe you should look into the Smize?

Larry King would totally get a second date with that Smize.

Okay, after that ordeal you must be a little worked up. Don’t worry it’s okay. I have the perfect solution…

I don’t know about you, but I feel better already.

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