You magnificent bastard, you!

12 Sep

You know what? I’m terrified of unicorns. Don’t get me wrong, those are some magnificent bastards but come on a horse with a blatant weapon on its head – that’s your first warning not to mess with it. The second being, it has a FUCKING HORN ON IT’S HEAD. Thirdly, they’re never around when you need them, what douchebags.

Just because these soulless, mythical creatures that probably get called ponces by horses are pure evil doesn’t mean they’re not useful, like children – just running around they’re borderline apocalyptic but when sold to Nike to make shoes endorsed by basketball players who were nicknamed ‘Lurch’ in high school they have a purpose that isn’t just to kill us all.

1. Have you ever been locked out of your house? It’s a nuisance isn’t it? I live on the second floor of an apartment building now so climbing through a window isn’t really an option for me. Instead of calling a locksmith wouldn’t it be so much easier just for a unicorn to run up, inspect the lock and hmmm and ummm over it for a few minutes before getting to work and picking the lock with it’s horn? Also, doesn’t ‘picking the lock with it’s horn’ sound like a euphemism?

2. Self Defense. Pepper spray is so 1998 and rape whistles, well, they just don’t always get the attention you need as fast as you need it (a vuvuzela would probably work better) this is when I think a unicorn would come in handy, say you’re walking down a street, it’s late at night and you’re fumbling around with your iPhone/regular phone/iPod/wad of cash/cheeseburger and some young ruffian is just itching to get his hands all over your merchandise, possibly in a sexual way if he’s a football player as I’ve been told by Today Tonight, what’s a man/woman/Yoda impersonator to do? Why, cry out for your personal savior, who’s probably just as likely to be real as the other one, “Oh, Mr. Unicorn!” You will cry, politely of course now is not the time to forget your manners;  I don’t care how big a knife that guy has! And since you asked so nicely the unicorn will be obliged to come, if he managed to catch his connecting train of course.

3. It’s a god damn unicorn you guys, what more reasons do you need?


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