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Just call me Cleo…

30 Apr

Lately I’ve been thinking about food. No, I haven’t been channeling the emotional eater within but rather thinking about the presentation of food. It seems the nicer it looks, the smaller the portion. This got me thinking – is this present anywhere else? Fashion? Totally. Have you seen some of those MAD mini dresses lately? The beading? The sequins? Hold me! but what about men? Could this actually apply to our masculine brethren? If so, Zac Efron is about to lose a lot of followers on Twitter.

So if this was right what would the parameters of the theory be? There should be a scale. Definitely. You see I think with this theory there’s two extreme categories in which the presentation is just simply above and beyond and another in which Ed Hardy shirts are mandatory, however, with both these vastly different categories that for the purpose of science and snappage we will call “Category: JoBro” and “Category: Jon Gosselin” and our happy, SO happy category in the middle will be “Category: Hallelujah”

The Scale of Truth

On your right side you have Category:  JoBros – you know those guys whose pedicures are better than yours? And have that Sportsgirl scarf you’ve been eyeing off since last pay week? All in the name of looking good for all us lucky ladies out there. Maybe it’s a case of something being too good to be true or God/Satan/a Surgeon not giving with both hands as well? Either way all you JoBros out there might as well go home now. Oui?

And on the complete other end of the spectrum we have the Jon Gosselin category – who, fun fact, has douche levels reaching critical, he’s one Ed Hardy tee away from ending the universe as we know it. I think this is a case of karma. Seriously, there’s a price to pay for that level of douchedome and that price is very high for all you Jon Gosselin’s out there.

Despite how differently these guys go about it they’re still, in their minds, grade A presentation wise, so oddly enough they both can apply to this. Never did I think I would say that guys like Zac Efron and Justin Timberlake would have something in common with The Situation.

In the middle we have the best category ever. Your average guy next door, sans douche and country road bag. It really is in the name. Hallelujah.

I know what you’re thinking, can Category: JoBros and Category: Jon Gosselin find away to get intertwined within one another until no one can tell where the other starts? And the answer simply is yes, this is what we’ll call the John Mayer Paradox. It’s terrifying, it’s real and and it’s damn near unstoppable.

It’ll affect you and everyone you know…

4 Feb

As you may or may not know, here at the blog we focus on the important issues, from constipated celebrities to shoulder pads – the growth on your shoulder you need to remove right now. But today, I’d like to discuss something that affects not just you – but everyone around you.

Toe cleavage.

As I was walking around today in my faux snake skin ballet flats, fantastically trashy chic FYI, it occurred to me that toe cleavage is fast becoming an epidemic. Okay, nothing near as bad as Hammer Time Harem Pants, (Can’t Touch This has never been so apt) which is to fashion what Bird Flu was to Seasame Street, yes that’s totally a Big Bird reference, suave no?

So what is toe cleavage? Let’s see what Urbandictionary.com has to say on the matter, shall we?

“The fleshy sections between and around the toes which can be squeezed together to form cleavage when wearing low-cut or strappy type (infact any kind of toe exposure) shoes or heels”

Now interwebers, I don’t mind a little toe cleavage. Little being the key word in that sentence. In a corporate environment I think under no circumstance should toe cleavage be seen. My personal take on it is to treat it like the other type of cleavage. In a casual environment, sure, a small amount (1-2mm) is perfectly acceptable but any more than that it’s like “Honey, just put on some sandals. Mmkay? You’re just defeating the purpose of those shoes.”. And I don’t like defeating my shoes, my shoes are the heroes in my wardrobe, without them who knows what kind of villian could sweep in and take over. My shoes are my friends, sometimes they come to life and we drink margaritas and watch The O.C. (Seth V. Ryan – my shoes are forever loyal to Seth, I think it’s the white boy ‘fro) and we debate why Marissa was considered likable for so long? This still, to this date perplexes me.

So ladies, please I implore you, even if that one little piggy does want to go to market, think long and hard about the cleave’ you’ll weave.

Sometimes ‘No’ should really mean ‘No’…

4 Feb

Say ‘No’ to shoulder pads boys and girls. Sure, done the right way they can look fantabuluscious but done wrong…well….

Is it just me that sees the resemblance?