It’s like Judge Judy…but with killer heels.

12 Mar

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I ask you, are these boots – these thigh high and not to mention sky high boots, guilty of trashiness in the first degree? Or is it merely just an accomplice to heinous crimes such as these.

Evidence: A

May the jury also note that these thigh-highs have also been teamed with a leather (looking) mini dress…or is it rubber? No it’s leather…I think. On a side note, this dress is facing a possible charge of fraud as well as aggravated assault.

Evidence B:

At this time the prosecution has decided to remove this from evidence as they’re not sure if these are boots or are in fact the after math of elective surgery to become a futuristic Mummy/other bizarre creature/possibly in the next James Cameron movie.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

I’m just saying, Australia

1 Mar

Word up, loyal reader!

I don’t mean to alarm any of you but I think Carmen San Diego is awesome. I mean come on, this woman can rock a red trench coat like there’s no tomorrow. She’s essentially the best dressed ninja in the history of ninjas. And for that I think we can give her a get out of jail card for her thieving. We did it for Winona Ryder didn’t we?

Another PSA gone wrong, from Tales of a 21st Century Something or Other

17 Feb

Humble, and not so humble reader alike, I think it’s time we discuss a very important issue. An issue far more important then toe cleavage and 80’s montages combined. We mean business today, folks.

Like with most issues of the day, nothing’s exactly black and white. Sometimes they’re fuchsia. Mmmm fuchsia, clearly one of the loveliest of nail polish colours known to man kind. And today’s topic of PSA is no exception.

Leggings.

If I could file a claim against any type of clothing, leggings would definitely be in my top three. Fraud, anyone? I’ll admit it, with a tunic or a long cardigan or the combination they can look awesome. But come on, unless you have the toush of Aphrodite or Venus or maybe Wonder Woman, please, I beg of you to have mercy on all of those around you and cover it on up. Not only can they be immensely unflattering, especially teamed with a crop top – seriously society, what up? but have you seen some of the prints they come in now?

If you want jeans buy jeans, okay? These aren’t jeans. They’re leggings. I know, I know, you’ve been doing those extra yogalates classes, and that time on the treadmill is really showing so I get that you want to flaunt that hot bod’ you’re rocking – I’d be tempted to do the same but come on, unless you want to be the punchline in everyone of your friends jokes for the next ten years put on some pants. REAL pants.

Oh and and don’t get me started on these “pants” with leopard/floral/snake skin/etc; prints nor their wet look brethren. I still cannot and refuse to even attempt to fathom them.

It’ll affect you and everyone you know…

4 Feb

As you may or may not know, here at the blog we focus on the important issues, from constipated celebrities to shoulder pads – the growth on your shoulder you need to remove right now. But today, I’d like to discuss something that affects not just you – but everyone around you.

Toe cleavage.

As I was walking around today in my faux snake skin ballet flats, fantastically trashy chic FYI, it occurred to me that toe cleavage is fast becoming an epidemic. Okay, nothing near as bad as Hammer Time Harem Pants, (Can’t Touch This has never been so apt) which is to fashion what Bird Flu was to Seasame Street, yes that’s totally a Big Bird reference, suave no?

So what is toe cleavage? Let’s see what Urbandictionary.com has to say on the matter, shall we?

“The fleshy sections between and around the toes which can be squeezed together to form cleavage when wearing low-cut or strappy type (infact any kind of toe exposure) shoes or heels”

Now interwebers, I don’t mind a little toe cleavage. Little being the key word in that sentence. In a corporate environment I think under no circumstance should toe cleavage be seen. My personal take on it is to treat it like the other type of cleavage. In a casual environment, sure, a small amount (1-2mm) is perfectly acceptable but any more than that it’s like “Honey, just put on some sandals. Mmkay? You’re just defeating the purpose of those shoes.”. And I don’t like defeating my shoes, my shoes are the heroes in my wardrobe, without them who knows what kind of villian could sweep in and take over. My shoes are my friends, sometimes they come to life and we drink margaritas and watch The O.C. (Seth V. Ryan – my shoes are forever loyal to Seth, I think it’s the white boy ‘fro) and we debate why Marissa was considered likable for so long? This still, to this date perplexes me.

So ladies, please I implore you, even if that one little piggy does want to go to market, think long and hard about the cleave’ you’ll weave.

Sometimes ‘No’ should really mean ‘No’…

4 Feb

Say ‘No’ to shoulder pads boys and girls. Sure, done the right way they can look fantabuluscious but done wrong…well….

Is it just me that sees the resemblance?

It’s okay, really. We don’t judge here…okay, we totally do.

3 Feb

Dear Kristen Stewart,

What’s the deal K-Stew? I thought we were friends, not like you know the hang out and look moody together kind, being awesome leaves no time for joy or laughter, am I right or am I right Special K? But you know, the kind of friends were you bump into each other in the street and you do that awkward head nod where it’s like “I acknowledge your presence, but this greeting will go no further.” But seriously all I ever hear is Twilight. That movie came out months ago now, but still the Twihards persist, I mean come on, I’ve seen that movie…nothing really persist-worthy there. You had shirtless boys true, but I’m pretty sure a couple have love handles? It’s Hollywood! There’s no love handles in Hollywood! Hollywood is a magical land filled with abs and various other surfaces being steel like in nature, words like “cellulite” and “carbs” do not exist in such a wonderful land. But other than that I’m not really sure I remember anything else? Now don’t get me wrong, I haven’t seen all your movies, and as Twilight(s) were the most recent, I’m only counting them – I can be a good sport too. Maybe it’s just me being cranky because I had to skip my nap time to see this movie at the time but, uh…boy, this is awkward. It’s just, K to the Stew, followed by the Art, it seemed like you weren’t feeling 100%. I being the good, awkward nodding friend that I am, pondered on what it could be, I pondered and I pondered. I pondered till the word ‘pondered’ seemed quite funny. Get it? Pondered! It STILL makes me laugh. Eventually, after being escorted by security back to my chair from rolling down the aisles in laughter, it struck me. You’re out a lot, skipping meals, eating on the go. It’s understandable, really, so don’t be embarrassed. Just take this and thank me later.

Much love,

Mademoiselle Beckerella.

P.S. I’m quite content with our awkwardnodthenwalkawayquickly thing we have going on. So please, just stop that weird wave thing. Okay, great.