Leprechauns and leper-corn aren’t the same thing…

13 Sep

How could I go on this tirade and not bring up Leprechauns? What kind of person would that make me? Here’s the thing Leprechauns, it’s not that I don’t like you as such it’s just that you’re about as creepy as a windowless van playing Greensleeves, in short, very creepy. Ha, get it? “In short”, that’s also a euphemism. Ha.

We all know that you’re just drunken midgets with an affinity for wearing green, have I mentioned how there are other colours? You guys hang out at the end of a rainbow which is both undoubtedly awesome and would expose you to multiple different colours so there’s no excuse for that pitiable excuse for a “wardrobe”. Also you guys have a pot of gold, would it be so terrible to help out if you see someone is a little short on money for train fare?

Reasons Leprechauns are more terrifying than Joan Rivers:

1. Wardrobe. Do these guys only have one outfit or something? Why would anyone want to dress like a midget version of Gumby? He wasn’t that great.

2. They’re midgets. Angry, drunken midgets. What’s more terrifying than that? It’s like if you cut a person in a half when they’re done with the screaming and massive blood loss. If physically everything is scaled down then wouldn’t it work mentally as well? They’d have the shortest fuse. I don’t know how much you know about alcoholics but they have a short enough fuse as it is. Also, can you imagine a leprechaun going to A.A?

3. Money. It’s the cause of all evil and clowns, I don’t know if the second part is true but I just hate clowns. Think about it, they have an entire pot of gold and haven’t bought a small island or released a Christmas CD they funded themselves, what are they planning? They have to be up to something.

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I’m bored. Want to pick on more mythical creatures? Well…yeah.

13 Sep

Centaurs, who the hell do you think you are? Sure, you can probably make more at the tracks than most of us could make in a year but seriously, make up your mind do you want to be a My Little Pony or a person? It’s this kind of indecisive thinking that led to the meltdown of the economy.

They’re origin is believed to be that this one time, in this place some guys saw some other guys riding horses from REALLY far away and thought “Hey, that’s a Dude-Horse-Thing!” which while it’s not that exciting and makes mankind sound like it has the intelligence of Miley Cyrus or a rock it’s certainly better than how people thought the Minotaur came into being.

Just a pick a team and stick to it okay? If you want to be horses, that’s fine. Just PICK A SIDE. On a somewhat related note (through marriage, not blood okay – I don’t want this sentence to be an inbred version of the one before it. That does go for language as well as people, right? Have you ever seen a rather large person? Yeah, you probably have – probably in a mirror too!  But jokes aside, I was watching Judge Judy the other night, this was after I decided life was just not worth living so decided to kill myself by watching “reality” TV unfortunately I was driven into a stupor so whilst I didn’t have the will to live I also didn’t have the will to do anything but eat Doritos, it was at this time I saw a woman who’s hindquarters were so large I’m still half convinced she was a centaur. I’m not sure what this means, I just hope it isn’t the next step in evolution.

You magnificent bastard, you!

12 Sep

You know what? I’m terrified of unicorns. Don’t get me wrong, those are some magnificent bastards but come on a horse with a blatant weapon on its head – that’s your first warning not to mess with it. The second being, it has a FUCKING HORN ON IT’S HEAD. Thirdly, they’re never around when you need them, what douchebags.

Just because these soulless, mythical creatures that probably get called ponces by horses are pure evil doesn’t mean they’re not useful, like children – just running around they’re borderline apocalyptic but when sold to Nike to make shoes endorsed by basketball players who were nicknamed ‘Lurch’ in high school they have a purpose that isn’t just to kill us all.

1. Have you ever been locked out of your house? It’s a nuisance isn’t it? I live on the second floor of an apartment building now so climbing through a window isn’t really an option for me. Instead of calling a locksmith wouldn’t it be so much easier just for a unicorn to run up, inspect the lock and hmmm and ummm over it for a few minutes before getting to work and picking the lock with it’s horn? Also, doesn’t ‘picking the lock with it’s horn’ sound like a euphemism?

2. Self Defense. Pepper spray is so 1998 and rape whistles, well, they just don’t always get the attention you need as fast as you need it (a vuvuzela would probably work better) this is when I think a unicorn would come in handy, say you’re walking down a street, it’s late at night and you’re fumbling around with your iPhone/regular phone/iPod/wad of cash/cheeseburger and some young ruffian is just itching to get his hands all over your merchandise, possibly in a sexual way if he’s a football player as I’ve been told by Today Tonight, what’s a man/woman/Yoda impersonator to do? Why, cry out for your personal savior, who’s probably just as likely to be real as the other one, “Oh, Mr. Unicorn!” You will cry, politely of course now is not the time to forget your manners;  I don’t care how big a knife that guy has! And since you asked so nicely the unicorn will be obliged to come, if he managed to catch his connecting train of course.

3. It’s a god damn unicorn you guys, what more reasons do you need?

Just call me Cleo…

30 Apr

Lately I’ve been thinking about food. No, I haven’t been channeling the emotional eater within but rather thinking about the presentation of food. It seems the nicer it looks, the smaller the portion. This got me thinking – is this present anywhere else? Fashion? Totally. Have you seen some of those MAD mini dresses lately? The beading? The sequins? Hold me! but what about men? Could this actually apply to our masculine brethren? If so, Zac Efron is about to lose a lot of followers on Twitter.

So if this was right what would the parameters of the theory be? There should be a scale. Definitely. You see I think with this theory there’s two extreme categories in which the presentation is just simply above and beyond and another in which Ed Hardy shirts are mandatory, however, with both these vastly different categories that for the purpose of science and snappage we will call “Category: JoBro” and “Category: Jon Gosselin” and our happy, SO happy category in the middle will be “Category: Hallelujah”

The Scale of Truth

On your right side you have Category:  JoBros – you know those guys whose pedicures are better than yours? And have that Sportsgirl scarf you’ve been eyeing off since last pay week? All in the name of looking good for all us lucky ladies out there. Maybe it’s a case of something being too good to be true or God/Satan/a Surgeon not giving with both hands as well? Either way all you JoBros out there might as well go home now. Oui?

And on the complete other end of the spectrum we have the Jon Gosselin category – who, fun fact, has douche levels reaching critical, he’s one Ed Hardy tee away from ending the universe as we know it. I think this is a case of karma. Seriously, there’s a price to pay for that level of douchedome and that price is very high for all you Jon Gosselin’s out there.

Despite how differently these guys go about it they’re still, in their minds, grade A presentation wise, so oddly enough they both can apply to this. Never did I think I would say that guys like Zac Efron and Justin Timberlake would have something in common with The Situation.

In the middle we have the best category ever. Your average guy next door, sans douche and country road bag. It really is in the name. Hallelujah.

I know what you’re thinking, can Category: JoBros and Category: Jon Gosselin find away to get intertwined within one another until no one can tell where the other starts? And the answer simply is yes, this is what we’ll call the John Mayer Paradox. It’s terrifying, it’s real and and it’s damn near unstoppable.

Top 5 Thursdays

22 Apr

Every now and again you’ll see something so disturbing/horrifying/bearing far too much of a resemblance to Heidi Montags face/etc; that your soul will actually throw up. Although being that I am left handed some of you may debate that I in fact have no soul. Touché. So without further adieu here is my Top 5 list of things to make my soul throw up…

#5 LOL

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. LOL is no laughing matter. Sure it’s not as bad as ROFL but it still never ceases to make my skin CRAWL.

#4 Anything Ed Hardy

Nothing makes my soul simultaneously weep and vomit like Ed Hardy gear. Yes, we get it, you’re a douche. We’re glad that you’re okay with your doucheness but enough is enough. It’s amazing how looking so cheap can be so damned expensive.

#3
Heidi Montag aka Mrs Potato Head

Heidi Montag aka Mrs Potato Head now comes with completely interchangeable features! Feeling festive? Why not swap her nose for a dradle? And ladies, we all know how during the holidays we get our eat on, but for Mrs. Heidi Montag Potato Head she no longer has to feel guilty about engorging herself with all of those no-no foods! Just simply remove the cheek bones, grate against a rough surface and reattach. Voila. Guilt free and fast! Call now to order yours! Don’t miss out. Perfect for birthdays, christmas and graduation presents. Oh Heidi, the Shamwow’s got nothing on you.

#2 and #1,
Toddlers and Tiaras

There is nothing more horrifying than this. Hence why it’s both first and second on this list. I am not kidding. It is THAT bad.

It’s literally like the devil’s play pen – but with hair spray and a road to self-esteem/eating disorders/becoming Heidi Montag. So why would anyone do this to THEIR KIDS? From getting a spray on tan to fake eye lashes these kids get the full Jersey Shore treatment. But hey, at least they listen to the kids when they say enough is enough…oh wait a second, I forgot in Pageant Mum language tears means “I love this! Quick, get the mystic tan and the bedazzler!”. And you know what Pageant Mum? If your daughter really has no business being up there you can just categorically say that she isn’t yours, you have no idea who she is and then proceed to disown her. That actually happened. I’m not kidding. Next time kid, maybe you should look into the Smize?

Larry King would totally get a second date with that Smize.

Okay, after that ordeal you must be a little worked up. Don’t worry it’s okay. I have the perfect solution…

I don’t know about you, but I feel better already.

It’s like all my dreams come true…

8 Apr

For the love of god, somebody make this movie.

I should totally get into PR and junk…

14 Mar

I don’t mean to over dramatize this but the greatest thing to happen to television, nay mankind is now just around the corner. That’s right folks, the premiere of Jersey Shore here in Australia. Just because the show that gave us all a reason to believe again, if only in the mankind is undoubtedly doomed and there is no such thing as a lovely shade of oompa loompa, has been done and dusted in the US for a while now (though I’ve heard they are filming Season 2 now!), it doesn’t mean those kids from the shore that is Jersey aren’t thinking about their options. We’re talking endorsements, spin offs and a vat of mystic tanner. Here are a few of my own personal suggestions:

1. Video Games

A slew of “celebrities” and yes I use that word loosely, almost as loose as Paris Hilton – is that joke even still relevant? have in recent years forayed their way into the world of video games (On a side note, why did no one have the courtesy to tell me Britney Spears had a game? Seriously guys, come on) so why should these crazy kids be left out of the mix? I’m thinking “Assassins Guid” (For those of you playing at home, yes, I just did make an Assassins Creed reference. My boyfriend will be so proud) where you play as either Snooki or the Situation and are on a quest to gather tanning lotion and the who’s who of STIs. Special powers may or may not include fist pumping.

2. Birth Control

The say abstinence is the best form of birth control. And with images like this, well what can you say? Except for a VERY clear ‘No, Stay away from me you freak’?

3. Ed Hardy Spokes Models

(See picture above)

4. Lindsay Lohan Entourage

Serial tanner best friends fo’ ever! A pool full of tanning lotion for LiLo and her Jersian best pals to swim in. It’s an orangey heaven – I’d imagine.